Horoscopes

September, 2004
What part of "ph-nglui mgiw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn," don't you understand? You've been restless this month, worrying about details that don't matter and things that are already taken care of. The Old Ones were, are, and shall be...

August, 2004
Your sign is Yog-Sothoth, not Yog-Sloth, so get off your liquescent behind and get back to work. Those other-dimensional gateways aren't going to open themselves, you know...

June, 2004
The world is an endless nightmare symphony. All your evil schemes are in perfect balance this month. Even that nosy investigator who's been giving you trouble will finally devolve into a rainbow trout or get his brain pickled by the fungus people...

May, 2004
Embarrassment sounds loud in your ears. Maybe you leave your pony picture scrapbook for that cult to find, instead of the blasphemous tome with which you meant to defile their souls. Maybe you cast that invisibility spell wrong and the guard just laughs at you, instead of wondering at the fetid breeze that suddenly blew through...

April, 2004
Your personal space-time conundrums are overlapping with your professional sphere. Once you overcome the boundaries of conventional reality, the external forces that bend space around you will take care of the rest...

February, 2004
Domestic challenges occur early in February. The people who've been paying your bills may be tired of hearing "dead but dreaming" as an excuse for your lack of progress in the job-market...

January, 2004
A mind-shattering psychic encounter or confrontation occurs this month. You will need to have as many of your filthy brood around you as possible. This is a time not to crush people with your hooves, but to implant your parasitic larvae within their bodies. Listen to the mad ravings of those around you...